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On the air

WALK WITH JESUS album image

WALK WITH JESUS

CONSUMED BY FIRE

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RUNNING HOME album image

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WORSHIP THROUGH IT album image

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TASHA LAYTON [+] CHRIS BROWN

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Three people holding hands above the table

Feeling Lost

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I work 2 jobs and can barely support myself.
I just got an appointment, but already looking at future experiences, and seeing my self losing it, and going back to living out of my car. My car is also about to break down and I also need it to get back and forth from work as the job is a 30 minute drive from where I live.
I am also still trying to pay off the car, which makes it even harder.
I don’t have close family, I grew up being dirt poor and my family not looking out for each other, where every one fends for them selves.
I’m 34, and I don’t have friends that are close my longest relationship is the one I’m in, but i feel even that is nothing as I recently found out she’s moving away from where I just got my place, and she will be an hour away. It will be an year with that, and we barely understand each other, let alone see each other, or talk to one another.
I’m also the one that is always trying to talk to her, and she is dealing with other drama, so I’m never on her important list.
I wish I can be there for her, and I wish she could be there for me, to support each other like an actual couple would.
She’s the only good thing I have in my life, and this wall between is becoming a burden.
Maybe it’s a mid life crisis, but I feeling there’s no fight left in me. I feel I can’t keep going. I’m tired of losing everything over and over again.
I just want a family that will love me.

I ask for forgiveness for my wrong doings,
That maybe we can still work, but if things are to fade with her, let it end quickly, so that I can see the truth that I will never have.
I know it’s wrong, but the thoughts are there; ending my life.
The hell I been though. There are some good things, but even then, it’s not worth living to see every one else with the joy you can’t have.
This fake smile I have, I’m tired of this pain I can hide, because I was forced to never show my feelings growing up…